The Four Horsemen--Contempt.

We talked about criticism in the last post, and our topic for today is the second horseman on John Gottman's list: Contempt.

Contempt in John Gottman's world is the same thing as contempt in the real world--holding someone in contempt means you feel superior to them or you don't value them.  We see contempt in relationships where sarcasm, eye-rolling, cynicism, or other negative communications are used.  Gottman has found that contempt is the highest predictor of divorce out of all the other horsemen.  I think this is because when you have contempt in your relationship, you are at a point where you've lost respect and appreciation for your partner--you're actually mean to them.  It's difficult to build a positive relationship with contempt constantly chipping away at it.

An example of contempt would be if your partner does something differently than you would have and you respond with, "You're such an idiot.  You really think that was the best way to do that?  You couldn't possibly think of any other better way??", rather than just asking why they chose to do it like this and not the way you expected.

 Any time a spouse uses put-downs, mockery, rude body language, or tries to make themselves superior to the other spouse, they're using contempt.  Gottman says it's the worst horseman because contempt conveys disgust with your partner.  No conflicts are ever going to be worked out if someone feels like their partner is disgusted by them.

So that's contempt!

After I finish writing about defensiveness and stonewalling, I'll move on to how to overcome these toxic behaviors in your relationships, because it is possible to work on them and improve your relationship quality even if the horsemen are very prevalent right now.