The Four Horsemen--Criticism.

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist famous for his work in marital happiness and divorce predictions over the last 40 years or so.  One of his books, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is phenomenal and I want to write about one of his principles today.  The 4 Horsemen. 

He calls these communication styles the 4 horsemen of marriage because if they are allowed to continue and infect the relationship, they predict dissatisfaction, and more often than not, divorce.   (Just as, biblically speaking, the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse predict the end of the world.)  The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Before I begin, I want to say that just because these particular communication patterns are in a relationship right now doesn't mean the relationship is doomed to fail--it's just good to be aware of the dangers these patterns might pose to the relationship and try to fix them before they get out of control.

I'm going to introduce these 4 horsemen one post at a time, so today I'll start with criticism.

Just for starters, A criticism is different than a complaint.  A complaint stays specific to one instance, and is actually very necessary for a marriage to work.  For example, "I thought you were going to take the trash out tonight.  I'm disappointed you didn't do that" is a complaint about someone forgetting to take the trash out.

A criticism, on the other hand, attacks your partner's entire being and character because of that one mistake.  A criticism of the trash situation might look something like: "I can't believe you didn't take the trash out, you never listen to a word I say!"  By claiming that your partner never listens to a word you say, you are subtly (or not so subtly) telling them that they never do anything right and they have little chance of fixing things in the future.

Here's another example.  Joe comes home from work a little late and he grabs dinner on his way home because he assumes his family will have already eaten without him.  When he gets home, however, his wife and kids are waiting for him before they sit down to eat.  He sheepishly tells his wife he already ate, and she responds with "I don't know why I ever try to cook for you!  You never think of anyone but yourself, and now the kids are eating late and I'm starving for no reason!"

She has every right to be upset that he didn't call to ask about dinner, but a healthier way to respond would have been for her to look at this one instance alone and explain why she was upset.  A complaint would look more like "I really wish you would have called before you decided to get dinner on your own.  We've been waiting for 45 minutes for you so we could all eat together.  I thought we were going to try to have family dinners every night this week."

See, in the criticism she accuses him of never thinking of anyone else--which can't be true.  There has to be times in his life when he thinks of other people.  The complaint, on the other hand, expresses that she's still upset about dinner, but provides a solution to the problem, rather than just accusing and blaming him.  By telling Joe that she wishes he would have called, she has found a way to prevent this from happening in the future--he just needs to call next time.  He doesn't have to find a way to change his entire character like the criticism suggests.

We have to complain in our relationships because if we don't, we may feel stepped on and things that bother us will never be worked on.  But we need to be careful that complaints don't turn into criticisms which can be extremely hurtful and demoralizing for a partner.

Stay tuned to learn more about the other three horsemen--contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling!