Boundaries.

Boundaries are one of the most fundamental aspects of the Family Systems Theory.  Of course, when we discuss boundaries in terms of clinical work and families we are usually talking about parent-child boundaries, sibling-sibling boundaries, and inside the family-outside the family boundaries.  We talk about these relationship boundaries because no matter what the boundary characteristics actually are--rigid, permeable, or semi-permeable--the important thing to remember is that the clarity of the boundaries is the most important.  They need to be clearly defined by the parents, siblings, or family to be effective--no matter what type they are.

I am interested in how boundaries function outside of our family relationships as well and Dave and I were talking the other day when he remembered someone teaching it to him this way:

People have three basic types of boundaries--

~Walls

~Holes

    and

~Doors

Walls are also known as rigid boundaries.  People who put up walls are generally afraid of getting close to other people and making themselves vulnerable.  These are the types of people who always say no when others ask them for favors or invite them to activities.  These people generally don't feel guilty about saying no because they have other priorities in their lives that are more important to them.  It's great to be able to say no to people sometimes, but people who put up walls tend to feel like in relationships they need to always be in complete control rather than the give and take that a more moderate approach would offer.  People who have walls for boundaries run the risk of being lonely because to keep their walls strong they have to hide behind them.  Over time, others stop trying to include them because they realize this person just doesn't want a relationship with them.

Holes, on the other hand, are exactly what they sound like.  When you have a hole in your wall, anything can come and go as it pleases.  Some call these permeable boundaries.  The people with holes in their walls are generally the types of people who can't say no.  They feel strong moral obligations to their relationships and sometimes let this get in the way of healthy prioritization and alone-time.  These people have strong relationships, but sometimes they may not have a very strong sense of their individual identity.  They tend to define themselves by their relationships with other people.  The problem with holes is that negativity and other unhealthy aspects of relationships have nothing keeping them out.  Criticisms and complaints are let in and accepted as fact with these types of loose boundaries.





Doors are the most ideal boundary to have.  Just as a door functions by allowing some things in and keeping some things out, people who have set up door (a.k.a. semi-permeable) boundaries are able to say no sometimes, but also make relationships enough of a priority in their lives to be involved in rewarding, healthy, satisfying relationships with others.  What's great about this metaphor is the fact that you have to open the door to let someone in.  Similarly, you have to proactively take the step towards working on a relationship with someone, while still retaining your ability to shut some less-than-great things out for the relationship to succeed long-term.

What I love about all this is that boundaries--even rigid ones--are not set in stone.  With help and a hard look at ourselves we are always able to change what we let in and what we keep out of our lives when it comes to our families and friends.  Setting clearer boundaries can help eliminate stress, guilt, loneliness, and other tough emotions attached to unhealthy relationship styles.