The Four Horsemen--Stonewalling.

Congratulations!  You've made it through all three horseman and are about the finish off with the last one--stonewalling!

Stonewalling occurs when a partner becomes so physically and emotionally flooded with an argument/criticism/contempt/defensiveness that they emotionally shut down.  They completely withdraw from the situation, stop reacting to you, and disengage from the conflict.  Obviously, this can be extremely frustrating because having someone completely ignore your efforts to solve problems is difficult.

Stonewalling can become an understandable response, however, after some time of constant criticism and contempt.  Sometimes we just get so flooded with emotions we literally cannot think straight and need to stop the argument right there because we can't go on.  Sometimes people call this "seeing red".

Once you've shut down or disengaged from your partner, however, your marriage loses its binding quality of togetherness and perseverance.  It's dangerous to continue to stonewall because emotional engagement becomes less and less frequent, and eventually, things fall apart.

Stonewalling is a simple concept, but being self-aware enough to realize when you're doing it is the first step to being able to prevent it from happening.

Stay tuned to read about how to fix the communication issues the 4 horsemen cause in your relationships!

The Four Horsemen--Defensiveness.

Defensiveness is present in everyone's marriage at some point--especially in times of stress and troubles, but when it gets mixed up with the other two horsemen--criticism and contempt--it can start to lead the final horseman--stonewalling.

Defensiveness, as Gottman defines it, is when we try to protect ourselves by claiming to be victims in a self-righteous manner in order to ward off attacks from our partner.  Defensiveness is inevitable when criticism and contempt are taking their toll on the marriage.  The main danger is when we are defensive to the point of turning situations around and blaming our partners.

An example of a husband getting defensive would be if his wife was upset that he forgot to call his sister earlier in the day.  A defensive reaction would look something like, "I was just so busy today, I didn't even think about my sister.  How could I have?  I've been working non-stop!  What have you been doing?  Why didn't you call her?"  See how he turned it around and instead of taking responsibility for his mistake, he blamed his wife?

Another example might be someone saying, "It's not my fault that we never spend any time together anymore, you're the one who hasn't made any effort"  or "You're the one who doesn't make time for me." etc. etc.  You get the point.

Generally, defensiveness does nothing but exacerbate the problems in a marriage.  The "attacking" spouse doesn't back down, and it just adds flames to the fire.  Additionally, obviously no problem solving is happening if the partner's are just interested in blaming each other for everything.  The biggest problem with increasing defensiveness, however, is it welcomes with open arms the final horseman--stonewalling.

The Four Horsemen--Contempt.

We talked about criticism in the last post, and our topic for today is the second horseman on John Gottman's list: Contempt.

Contempt in John Gottman's world is the same thing as contempt in the real world--holding someone in contempt means you feel superior to them or you don't value them.  We see contempt in relationships where sarcasm, eye-rolling, cynicism, or other negative communications are used.  Gottman has found that contempt is the highest predictor of divorce out of all the other horsemen.  I think this is because when you have contempt in your relationship, you are at a point where you've lost respect and appreciation for your partner--you're actually mean to them.  It's difficult to build a positive relationship with contempt constantly chipping away at it.

An example of contempt would be if your partner does something differently than you would have and you respond with, "You're such an idiot.  You really think that was the best way to do that?  You couldn't possibly think of any other better way??", rather than just asking why they chose to do it like this and not the way you expected.

 Any time a spouse uses put-downs, mockery, rude body language, or tries to make themselves superior to the other spouse, they're using contempt.  Gottman says it's the worst horseman because contempt conveys disgust with your partner.  No conflicts are ever going to be worked out if someone feels like their partner is disgusted by them.

So that's contempt!

After I finish writing about defensiveness and stonewalling, I'll move on to how to overcome these toxic behaviors in your relationships, because it is possible to work on them and improve your relationship quality even if the horsemen are very prevalent right now.  

The Four Horsemen--Criticism.

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist famous for his work in marital happiness and divorce predictions over the last 40 years or so.  One of his books, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is phenomenal and I want to write about one of his principles today.  The 4 Horsemen. 

He calls these communication styles the 4 horsemen of marriage because if they are allowed to continue and infect the relationship, they predict dissatisfaction, and more often than not, divorce.   (Just as, biblically speaking, the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse predict the end of the world.)  The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Before I begin, I want to say that just because these particular communication patterns are in a relationship right now doesn't mean the relationship is doomed to fail--it's just good to be aware of the dangers these patterns might pose to the relationship and try to fix them before they get out of control.

I'm going to introduce these 4 horsemen one post at a time, so today I'll start with criticism.

Just for starters, A criticism is different than a complaint.  A complaint stays specific to one instance, and is actually very necessary for a marriage to work.  For example, "I thought you were going to take the trash out tonight.  I'm disappointed you didn't do that" is a complaint about someone forgetting to take the trash out.

A criticism, on the other hand, attacks your partner's entire being and character because of that one mistake.  A criticism of the trash situation might look something like: "I can't believe you didn't take the trash out, you never listen to a word I say!"  By claiming that your partner never listens to a word you say, you are subtly (or not so subtly) telling them that they never do anything right and they have little chance of fixing things in the future.

Here's another example.  Joe comes home from work a little late and he grabs dinner on his way home because he assumes his family will have already eaten without him.  When he gets home, however, his wife and kids are waiting for him before they sit down to eat.  He sheepishly tells his wife he already ate, and she responds with "I don't know why I ever try to cook for you!  You never think of anyone but yourself, and now the kids are eating late and I'm starving for no reason!"

She has every right to be upset that he didn't call to ask about dinner, but a healthier way to respond would have been for her to look at this one instance alone and explain why she was upset.  A complaint would look more like "I really wish you would have called before you decided to get dinner on your own.  We've been waiting for 45 minutes for you so we could all eat together.  I thought we were going to try to have family dinners every night this week."

See, in the criticism she accuses him of never thinking of anyone else--which can't be true.  There has to be times in his life when he thinks of other people.  The complaint, on the other hand, expresses that she's still upset about dinner, but provides a solution to the problem, rather than just accusing and blaming him.  By telling Joe that she wishes he would have called, she has found a way to prevent this from happening in the future--he just needs to call next time.  He doesn't have to find a way to change his entire character like the criticism suggests.

We have to complain in our relationships because if we don't, we may feel stepped on and things that bother us will never be worked on.  But we need to be careful that complaints don't turn into criticisms which can be extremely hurtful and demoralizing for a partner.

Stay tuned to learn more about the other three horsemen--contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling!