Defensiveness, as Gottman defines it, is when we try to protect ourselves by claiming to be victims in a self-righteous manner in order to ward off attacks from our partner. Defensiveness is inevitable when criticism and contempt are taking their toll on the marriage. The main danger is when we are defensive to the point of turning situations around and blaming our partners.
An example of a husband getting defensive would be if his wife was upset that he forgot to call his sister earlier in the day. A defensive reaction would look something like, "I was just so busy today, I didn't even think about my sister. How could I have? I've been working non-stop! What have you been doing? Why didn't you call her?" See how he turned it around and instead of taking responsibility for his mistake, he blamed his wife?
Another example might be someone saying, "It's not my fault that we never spend any time together anymore, you're the one who hasn't made any effort" or "You're the one who doesn't make time for me." etc. etc. You get the point.
Generally, defensiveness does nothing but exacerbate the problems in a marriage. The "attacking" spouse doesn't back down, and it just adds flames to the fire. Additionally, obviously no problem solving is happening if the partner's are just interested in blaming each other for everything. The biggest problem with increasing defensiveness, however, is it welcomes with open arms the final horseman--stonewalling.
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