The Four Horsemen--Stonewalling.

Congratulations!  You've made it through all three horseman and are about the finish off with the last one--stonewalling!

Stonewalling occurs when a partner becomes so physically and emotionally flooded with an argument/criticism/contempt/defensiveness that they emotionally shut down.  They completely withdraw from the situation, stop reacting to you, and disengage from the conflict.  Obviously, this can be extremely frustrating because having someone completely ignore your efforts to solve problems is difficult.

Stonewalling can become an understandable response, however, after some time of constant criticism and contempt.  Sometimes we just get so flooded with emotions we literally cannot think straight and need to stop the argument right there because we can't go on.  Sometimes people call this "seeing red".

Once you've shut down or disengaged from your partner, however, your marriage loses its binding quality of togetherness and perseverance.  It's dangerous to continue to stonewall because emotional engagement becomes less and less frequent, and eventually, things fall apart.

Stonewalling is a simple concept, but being self-aware enough to realize when you're doing it is the first step to being able to prevent it from happening.

Stay tuned to read about how to fix the communication issues the 4 horsemen cause in your relationships!

The Four Horsemen--Defensiveness.

Defensiveness is present in everyone's marriage at some point--especially in times of stress and troubles, but when it gets mixed up with the other two horsemen--criticism and contempt--it can start to lead the final horseman--stonewalling.

Defensiveness, as Gottman defines it, is when we try to protect ourselves by claiming to be victims in a self-righteous manner in order to ward off attacks from our partner.  Defensiveness is inevitable when criticism and contempt are taking their toll on the marriage.  The main danger is when we are defensive to the point of turning situations around and blaming our partners.

An example of a husband getting defensive would be if his wife was upset that he forgot to call his sister earlier in the day.  A defensive reaction would look something like, "I was just so busy today, I didn't even think about my sister.  How could I have?  I've been working non-stop!  What have you been doing?  Why didn't you call her?"  See how he turned it around and instead of taking responsibility for his mistake, he blamed his wife?

Another example might be someone saying, "It's not my fault that we never spend any time together anymore, you're the one who hasn't made any effort"  or "You're the one who doesn't make time for me." etc. etc.  You get the point.

Generally, defensiveness does nothing but exacerbate the problems in a marriage.  The "attacking" spouse doesn't back down, and it just adds flames to the fire.  Additionally, obviously no problem solving is happening if the partner's are just interested in blaming each other for everything.  The biggest problem with increasing defensiveness, however, is it welcomes with open arms the final horseman--stonewalling.